


I Can't Live With Myself

by meganhamner99



Series: resistance bois ft. cultist bois [3]
Category: Far Cry 5, Far Cry: New Dawn
Genre: Angst, Apocalypse, Bunker, Comfort, Death, F/M, Guilt, Hurt, The Collapse, Violence, new dawn, soft!jacob, some ptsd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 11:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18637303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meganhamner99/pseuds/meganhamner99
Summary: Request made by @hopecountylovin on tumblr who is also @OutlandishWhalesharks on AO3: soft jacob seed x f!deputy in a bunker after the collapse ft. hurt/comfortcontains some ptsd. there is some dialogue in here that i pulled from notes found in dutch’s bunker in new dawn. musically inspired by suns and stars by really slow motion





	I Can't Live With Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OutlandishWhalesharks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutlandishWhalesharks/gifts).



The day the world ended was one the Deputy had never expected to come, and if it had, she assumed she would have long passed from this Earth. Scientists talked about the Sun dying far in the future and extinction that had wiped out 95% of all life on Earth 250 million years ago. Both of those events were so far from the current point in time that it was hard to imagine what the world would have been like if it ended again. If the universe decided to push it’s own “reset” button.

She’d often think on the things she’d do differently if she’d known the sky would catch on fire, a bright blue replaced by searing orange and smoke. Would she have spent it with her friends? Would she have visited her parents one last time?

Four years ago she hated the Project. She hated how violent they were, how they forced people to join them. But most of all she’d hated the Seeds. All four of them. John’s ego had irritated her endlessly, Faith acted like a child most of the time. Deputy had never been fond of religion so it irked her how preachy Joseph was, but it was easy to ignore. Jacob on the other hand was almost a mix of all three. He had a temper that was either slow to burn or quick to blow. He was confident in his abilities to the point he thought he couldn’t be bested. All he talked about was his stupid mantra. Train, Hunt, Kill, Sacrifice. Cull the Herd. Cull the Weak. Over and over and over.

Now everything was different. Jacob had saved the deputy when the Collapse had arrived. She’d been injured and he’d carried her to safety. Despite his beliefs, which would’ve told him to let the deputy die, he’d risked his life to save her. Dep had stopped trying to kill him on account of that, but she’d kept her shitty comments coming. Over time though, the hatred began to ebb. She no longer thought he was a monster. Just a person trying to save the world the best he knew how. 

The guilt had crept up on her. Frequent thoughts of loved ones had turned infrequent. Her passive attitude towards the Project had turned into a participant one. She went to sermons Jacob held, she trained. Hell, she’d even follow him around so that she could learn from him. They’d started to share an unspoken bond. They respected each other beyond comprehension. 

Deputy was plagued by night terrors, especially as of late. They varied from the deaths of her friends and family to the deaths of the Seeds. Her own demise was a recurring topic, too.

Suddenly, she was being shaken, and her knee-jerk reaction was to survive. A fair amount of cultists had stumbled across a sleeping Deputy while she had been resting around Hope County. This wasn’t going to be her first time fighting someone off while she was still waking up.

“Deputy, stand down. I said…stand…down.” Her hands were around someone’s throat, but her brain wouldn’t process the face in front of her so she could identify it. She was practically feral. Hands were gripping her forearms, trying to pry her off, so she squeezed tighter with a snarl on her lips.

Then her eyes found a sea of blue, the skin around it peppered with burn scars and pockmarks. She froze, no longer squeezing the man’s throat but unable to let go either.

“Oh my god.”

“Let go of my neck.  _Now_ , Deputy.” Jacob’s voice was quiet but demanding. 

“I’m…I’m so sorry.” Her fingers hesitantly unwound themselves from Jacob’s throat, then clasped each other as tightly as possible. “It was-I was-I didn’t mean to.” 

“The world was going to implode on itself sooner or later.” His voice was gruff with sleep, but also probably from nearly being suffocated.

“I just…I think I did the right thing. I want to do the right thing now. I-I-you say you’ve forgiven me but I can’t forgive myself. I don’t know if I did the right thing anymore and I don’t understand.” Dep’s voice shook as she explained her nightmares yet again. Jacob had started asking about them when they had started keeping not only him but some of the other followers awake as well.

Dep lifted her eyes to look at Jacob, and it was only then she’d realized that Jacob wasn’t in his usual attire. She’d seen him in different versions of it, but he always wore his camo jacket, a t-shirt, jeans, and boots. But right now he was in a red tank-top and sweatpants. There were more scars and the like along his arms, some disappearing under the fabric of his shirt and onto his chest.

“I’ve had ‘nough of this, pup. C’mon.” His gaze softened a bit as what she said processed in his head. He couldn’t dispute her claims that she was in the wrong, he couldn’t assure her she’d done the right thing. To him, she hadn’t. She’d gone against Joseph, who often radioed Jacob to ask about the flock and the deputy. But Jacob had started to see over the years that what had happened wasn’t unforgivable. That the Deputy deserved a chance to redeem herself. So he tried to help calm her down whenever he felt it was warranted.

Jacob wrapped his hand around the deputy’s arm, pulling her from her bedroom. It was only a few doors down from Jacob’s which would explain how he’d known she was having another nightmare. She must’ve been screaming again. Some of the cultists had been complaining about it, saying that they were screams only a sinner could scream. Jacob would give them a stern glare, one he’d even broken the arm of.

“Where are we going?” She asked as she let Jacob pull her. Her voice was still a bit shaky, the images from her dream burned into the back of her eyelids.

“To get some half-decent sleep.” He mumbled, his other hand running through his hair before he shoved open his own bedroom door. 

The deputy had never been in it before, but she was taken aback. It matched Jacob perfectly, but the layout had clearly been designed by John. The furniture was either made of wood or steel, sometimes even both. It was simplistic, but there were some minor details that didn’t sit right with the deputy. Like the antlers with Bliss flowers above the doorway. She doubted Jacob was fond of it either. 

“Go on.” Jacob gently pushed the deputy towards his wooden-framed bed. In any other situation, she probably would’ve blushed. Every so often, Dep would go turn into an unraveled mess. Jacob would give her something to do to distract her, but if it was really bad, he’d order his followers to leave whatever room they were in and just sit in silence with her.

Dep climbed onto Jacob’s bed with trepidation, but her knees sunk into the memory foam, so she struggled a bit. He pulled back the covers as he got in himself, and the deputy rested her head on one of two pillows. Jacob took the other one. 

They’d never been this close before. A hand on her shoulder here, a touch to his elbow there. The most intimate thing he’d done was put his hand on the small of her back when one of the members of the flock was insulting the deputy. She’d been on the verge of breaking down with guilt until she’d felt his hand through her shirt.

Jacob and Dep were both laying on their backs, staring at the ceiling. They were close enough to feel each others’ body heat from under the blankets. Being around him had helped calm her, just like it always did. As she’d started to drift back off to sleep, the deputy felt Jacob’s calloused fingers curl around her own.

She didn’t know how long they’d slept, as time often was distorted when there was no sun or moon to tell the time of day. When she awoke, however, her body was warm. Almost too warm, but it was comfortable. 

Dep tried to roll over as she often did in her sleep and when she woke up, but she was stuck. She was curled into a ball, and a pair of arms were wrapped around her. One was on the back of her head and the other was around her waist, holding her to their chest.

She didn’t need to open her eyes to realize who it was. He smelled familiar. He felt familiar. The Deputy shifted again to get comfier, and couldn’t help but smile to herself as Jacob held her.


End file.
